For a long time(allmost 5 years since i finished high school) I had these issues torment me in the back of my mind. I guess a lot of it came out in a twisted way in my art(thats not such a bad thing xD). Lately I dealt with those demons, but i guess some of it still remained as i couldnt let it go(or so i noticed, coming from close friends and dreams and such). While trying to interpert my latest dream(through online guides and such) I came across a very good advice. It went something like this "If something is bothering you, write about it". I cant stress how bad i am at this lol, hence the drawing instead of writing. Something about it allways seemed lacking to me. Cause a picture to me could express a whole situation, emotion that usualy i found words could not. Anyhow, I gave it a go. What came out made me feel quite good. I would like to share it with you. Please try not to be too critical with my english writing, might have misspelled a few words. My english vocabulary(at least speaking wise) is more advanced then hebrew, so I just felt more natural writing it in english. Anyway, with no further delay... here it is. :3 Hope you enjoy it.

(all names are real, but i did not include any identifying fetures other then those people knowing me as well. I doubt its enough to find or identify them by first names alone)

Adi

-She was allways there for me. I allways thought it was because she loved me and cared about me, though i came to realise that it was for her own motives. Before she was a lonesome, not so handsome, quiet and not very popular girl. While knowing me and meeting with me, talking and such... she became the opposite of what she once was. A confident, beautiful and interesting individual.

-After school, she found her own friends instead of having to meet with mine for company and rely on me so heavily. For a time I saw her judging me on every thing i do. Its like she was growing with each difficult situation i was through. I was angry at her, and for a time i tried not see her.

-For a while, it was quiet and when i did meet her our conversations were brief. Suddenly(at least from what i heard) she was angry with me for some odd reason, but never tolled me or spoke with me as to what the problem really was. Avoiding me even.

-She started going to the army and thats when i didnt see or hear from her any longer. It made me hate her even... In our brief phone calls she explained how wonderfull everything was and how awsome her new friends are. I felt like i was replaced. Thrown away so easily after years of intimate friendship and apreciation of one anothers company. I felt sick to my stomach knowing it.

-We havent spoken since. I couldnt bring myself to talk to her. I felt used. When in the past she was my confidant, my council and closest friend\ family. I wish her a good life, and even if she didnt feel the same way i did. I did benefit from her company and even if she was only faking it or using me, she did serve the role i expected of her and was hoping was natural.

Mega company

-In the 10th grade Lena had introduced me to a group of russian teens that she befriended. Every weekend they would meet up, sometimes to drink and sometimes just to sit around and talk.

-In that group of friends they had a person that was "in charge" sort of... or a better word for it would be "alpha female" of sorts. I didnt much get along with her, cause being social and funny came easily to me, I was just being myself and didnt try to impress anyone or act a certain way around people. She on the other hand demanded constant attention.

-After a certain incident i saw her for what she trully was, an "abuser". Her best friend cried out for support and she just blew her off like yesterdays news... I guess it struck something within me as well since I had a similar situation with Adi. I dont know why i took it upon myself to make her feel the same way her best friend felt at that momment, but i did try... allmost instinctinvely.

-It started quite simply. I just disscussed the situation with the people of that certain group. What i forgot at that time, being full of ego and self approval and justice, was that she took upon herself the part of "leader" in that company.

-The others felt bad about the situation but would not respond to it. Word spread fast and soon enough i was banned from the company and no more invited or apreciated. I felt betrayed. At the time a lot of people would forget me or not keep in touch which confused and angered me. I was doing my best to be a good and loyal friend even though i was pretty nasty and spitefull towards certain people.

-I do wish them the best of luck, though i do not apreciate their cowardness and fear of an ordinary girl that they seek such approval from.

Shlomi, Daniel

Shlomi

-At first grade i met a boy named Shlomi. He later on introduced me to Avihu and Daniel. He would for years pretend to be my friend while trying desperetly to control and manipulate me, while at the same time to lower me and abuse me verbaly infront of others.

-He was not a real friend, all i can really say. I am sure he was just jealous and frustrated with me. Since no matter how much he tried to make me feel bad and ruin my life(social and otherwise) I kept getting attention, friends and people around me who wanted to know me and be with me without me really trying. People just seemed to get along with me easily.

-Overall, I guess i do not blame him for he's jealousy but for a long time i was angry with him and even hated him because i think i could have been a lot more balanced emotionaly(and be a better student) if he was not so dedicated with every fiber of his being to try and humiliate me and destroy my self estime.

-I hope he finds the strength to find the great attributes within himself instead of dedicating his life to trying to lower others so he may feel better about his own life.

Daniel

-Daniel was a poor, poor boy. He would get stuck with all the chores at home, yelled at and abused daily by his familly... both phisicaly and mentaly. An easy target to get manipulated by Shlomi and redirecting his anger at me.

-I am not sure about the reasons, maybe it was jealousy mixed with fear of judgment. Daily he would try to make my day phisicaly abusive, as much as his... to say the least.

-I dont have much to say about him really. Except that he is a poor and brave boy. I trully hope he found relief from his family and made some better friends later on. I do not hold him responsible for my fate but i cannot forgive what he has done. At least not yet.

Conclusion

-My only conclusion is that i was blessed with so much, and everyone else around me could detect it so instantly and could not look away. So manny enjoyed me as a tallanted and interesting and insightfull individual, while some looked with jealousy and tried to make me think my life was horrible even though it was just their presence within it and their doing.

-Adi took advantage of my courage and sense of advanture at a time where her life and self esteem was low.
-Shlomi was trying to make himself more popular by making me assume i am not.
-Daniel was taking out his rage on what he thought was a person who found interest in judging him, and possibly someone who reminded him how life could have been instead of his poor existence at the time. To destroy that which he so badly wanted.
-Regarding that group of "friends", I guess they were just too insecure about themselves to stand up to that person.

-I cannot go back in time and make all of this better, though now i know one thing for sure. All that time i spent thinking what a victim i was... all that time i spent harming myself and verbaly abusing others... I could have instead being kinder to me and to others. I could have apreciated my life. If only for a momment i would look away from all the people who tried to use me and abuse me, if i could only for a momment look away from hatred... only then I could have made my own life better at those long years after the betrayel and abuse. I chose to remain a victim myself and no one forced it on me. Though i am glad to say that today i have done that hard decision and my life is a lot more fullfilling and wonderfull, and for the first time... I am truelly happy.